I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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