Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
