So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You're breaking my sexual little heart
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
