I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize