great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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