I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
