Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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