Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Randomize
