pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
