dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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