I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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