and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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