My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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