I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
