I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just pee around me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
