maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
