what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
