i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
