i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
