dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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