its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize