I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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