I need help removing her.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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