So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
