I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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