last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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