That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
