I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
