I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
