Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
