I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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