Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
