my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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