The maid of honor just puked.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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