She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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