He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club š
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we werenāt furries
ok listen,
I need advice on ways to politely say āfuck you on your way to hellā.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, thereās still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize