i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
