Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
