After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
