i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize