you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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