The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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