I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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