Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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