so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
