totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
