why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
