"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Welp...herpes.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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