I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
