My liver just broke up with me...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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