Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
