Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
