I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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