i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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