Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
