Your dad touched me again.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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