forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
