alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
