Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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