i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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