so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
