I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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