i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
