The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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