i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
